Video Games Died. What Now?
I have been analyzing video games for a while now and every time I analyze a video game, I get a $50 gift card from them to beg me to stop analyzing them. I took those gift cards to bribe for a real-life job. Then I decided to analyze them anyway. As games get more and more naked as I write into this blog, they could not stop throwing themselves into the landfill. Before ultimately shattering into pieces like the waste of space they are, games sent me an SMS to let me know that they are now officially dead.
Video games are dead. What now? The first thing I did is to get this thing called jobs and be like, yeah it is time to be productive and save the world. The first productive work I did was showing my boss my trophy case of gift cards, yeah all these video games died by my hand and now I can kill other jobs the same way!
Lovepon. You are so talented. I told them, yeah I am really hot in the mirror and they decided to give me money for saving the world. Saving the world and money? Games = Lose money. Jobs = Get money. Why people ever choose games over jobs is a mystery that fake scientists cannot answer.
Anyhow… As I was saving the world… I couldn’t help but notice the similarities between this job thing and the thing I rather not name. The more and more I work, the more and more I think maybe work doesn’t deserve to be alive the same way games don’t deserve to be. Let’s review: <<Job>> - A timeless, neverending game that has existed ever since once upon a time, a game that means different things to everyone.
The interesting aspect of this job game is that it is so boring, long, and tiring that it is hard to want to review it and examine it critically. I will attempt to describe this game in brief sentences that describe each aspect.
A puzzle game that rarely updates itself. The only time that it updates is to reduce playing time and ease the complexity so that the player has time to learn and play a new puzzle game. I don’t hate this aspect but it is not very skill expressive overall.
RNG: The game has too much RNG, it randomly places you in random places all the time and you have no idea what is happening. There were times when I was in a campaign playing as a tax collector and all of a sudden I was adding brackets into different places.
The game lacks comprehensive tutorials. Seems that you are expected to be able to contribute right away without any training. Every other department gets nice, shiny tutorials but somehow not this one.
There seems to be a major balance problem as well. Other characters are working very hard and create very detailed guides to help everyone. In general, have more stat points everywhere and help the guild get more gold but somehow get less gold themselves. Somehow my gold is far too overpowered despite making barely above minimum wage.
There is also too much punishment for mistakes instead of encouraging mistakes. I was bored at work and accidentally paid some Mexican guy named Jesus $300 more than I should have, Jesus then decided to revive video games forever.
Well now that video game is alive again, I think I will try to keep them alive because I don’t have any more energy to kill jobs. To keep video games alive, I must be as vague about my feelings and thoughts as possible while writing this review.
Card Hog - Game Squares. Mechanic NOT original. Pigs, CUTE. Two Players. Very GOOD with FAMILY. But if alone. NO FUN.
Ganbare Strikers - Soccer and tactic. Combination NO GOOD. Soccer Action WANT. Tactic brain WANT. But… No Action. No Brain Game. No Surprise Game I WANT Long Shot Goal but YOU %% Calculation Too NO MIRACLE.
Hero Hour Contract - Magic Girl. LIKE. Hero but Employees, SELF INSERT. Story. FUNNY. Tactics, Simple but HOT combos though some car parts NO EXPLAIN. BUT WISH Tactic. Throw KIDS out Roof Top. OKAY BUT Also Bungee Jump PLS.
Tantei Milky Holmes - Girls DETECTIVE, It FUNNY but I no like that GIRLS are not very SKILL. They HAD Skill BUT BUT, no SKILL and then, SKILL but no SKILL. I like when GIRL skill but if SKILL then no COMEDY. I learn SKILL allergic to COMEDY so this show is 50/100.
Super Auto Pets - FUN. KIND OF. But like also. GOOD. Pets. CUTE but VERY dangerous. I watch and 200 Pounds Weight from POPCORN, okay? That is WHY Recommend not VERY if Weight TOO HIGH.
Nijigahara Holograph - LOVE because BAD GUY. Die. GOOD GUY. Live forever. MEN WOMEN KISS so VERY MATURE and no read if <18 PLZ. POEMs are DEEP but no MATTER because DIE.
I will try living a life worth living.